:

(coming soon)

i feel as though i am as tired
as i could possibly be.

and even though i say
i hope i never feel like this again
i know i will, eventually.

like i never wanted to be as hot as that one day
in ohio
with my smaller legs sticking to cushion
in the backseat.

like i never want to be fooled again.

but i have so much more to do
and experience
over again.

i really hope i get my emergency.

five interviews: two down, three next week.
i’m sure i’ll get something.

and artistically i’m very excited.
i’m so academically exhausted right now from the last week and a half
that i just want to sit and draw
and read
and grow.

but i need sleep.
we’re imperfect machines.

embrace me
from generation y! is everything so 
crunchy  

i could mix you any color
but i can’t find a group of friends
that likes one another.

i think i’d be okay
if life stopped feeling like a movie.

so if it’s true that the people
who lie to themselves
are the happiest
i don’t have a chance.  

i’m feeling a little overwhelmed.
i know i’ll get through this semester,
it’s just a heavy workload.
heavier than i expected,
anyway.
and i enjoy most of it.
(well, not the honors history part..!)

i feel like i’m at an in-between point
where i’m about to be who i’m going to be for a while
but i’m not there yet. 

no one can be perfect anymore

yesterday was very strange.
i realized that i make too many lists.
and that i’m quick to have thoughts
that sway me from happy to sad
and i hate being moody.

but i’ve been thinking lately
about how much i miss having someone.
i don’t mind being alone most of the time,
Really.
but seeing everyone walking around
holding hands
yesterday.
and any time graphic (you know what i mean) content
comes up
it pulls me toward the past.
and i know it’s not his responsibility anymore.
i’m not his responsibility.
or burden.
or whatever.

a guy tells me he likes my shoes
and drops the name of a girl
who carries a connection to him
that i am not informed of.

i don’t want to be one of Those girls.
it probably won’t happen to me.
but i’m missing too much.
not as a person.in the extra-curricular.
it’s the same reason americans need their religion.
except i don’t have one.

and i’m not dying any time soon.

someone should have to look
at a wolf at the door 
  
 i don’t think there has been much
that has changed
but it feels like that time of year, again 

i suspect i will be making lots of art this semester
and possibly making new friends
(hopefully)

i have an exciting couple of weeks coming up
–ending with a twentieth birthday
TeenNoMore..! 

i came close to death today,
choking on the fumes of a
hot chicken wing!
And
i think it is safe to say that i understand chew, swallow,
breathenow. 
gagaga  

i think it’s safe to say
that no one reads this, anymore
probably due to the time
that the site was down.

it could be that i’m incredibly tired
but i am so unbearably lonely.

nothing ever works out
in that department
and i’m getting really discouraged.

but i’ll go alone
before i lower my standards.

so the site was down for a while
for unknown reasons.

i’m Sure a lot has gone on since it was up.

been more involved.
doing a lot more art.
making some pretty diverse friends.
just Being.
and it’s working out nicely,
for the most part.

good to be back.
[and with a happy sigh]
oh, Independence

well i got this weird sort of feeling in the pit of my stomach today
and it’s just kind of been sitting there,
stirring some.

here,
this whole time.
i’ve been looking at someone else thinking,
you know what you need to do
so just do it already.
and i’m being such a hypocrite.
i definitely know what i need to do.
and i’m just spending the days thinking about it.

maybe part of this lack of motivation
stems from my inability to change with poise.

i’ve been taking out my frustrations on matt
by sort of pushing him away even though
it’s never what i want to do.

another worry added to the list –
how much resistance will he put up with?

so that’s it.
i’m going to be better. all around.
the gym thing has been going well.
and i plan to job-search this week.
and actually do it.
and finally,
and importantly,
i’m going to try and paint something.

and maybe, with a little bit of pigment,
and some jeff buckley,
i’ll be feeling like more of myself.

we’ll see..!